Unhealthy ways to deal with a breakup

So when I had the idea to write this article…(tangent coming). Oh sweet baby Jesus it feels so good not to be in English anymore!!! I can start my sentences and end them where I want and. It feels so good! Ja feel?  (End scene). When I first had the idea to write this article I had idea after idea, just rolling off my brain like the head and shoulders that I am buying today (yes my brain has dandruff, who are you to judge me?  I’m still standing, I’m still strong!!). So I’m going to try to go down that path, vamos!
In this world there are things that I am not good at.  Such as: flipping burgers, flipping pancakes, most things that need to be flipped (except for these bricks). However, I am great at certain things like! Not dealing with my emotions.  (Segue).  Along this vein I am going to explain to you several ways I have dealt with my recent breakup (Iphone style (only because IPhone corrected Iphone to look like iPhone. Brand, what brand? Ain’t no brand big.))
It was a beautiful day outside.  I had on my apron tending to my flock of European platypuses (platypi sounds better but autocorrect assures me that it is in fact wrong). All of sudden I see my girlfriend of the time , standing on a woolly mammoth, with her heavy metal band, playing a cover of single by Natasha Bedingfield (wrong genre, and those caveman outfits are a fashion no no).  Just when I thought that I got the message, the lead guitar player jumped of his stead (if you can call a woolly mammoth a stead) and screamed in my face, conveying the weight of the situation, and proceed to kill my precious European platypuses.  Hurt, I look at her, high upon her beast, and she speaks.  
“My son, take this platypus, in remembrance of the good times and the bad, and remember to always hang loose.”  Shaking my fist I shout out to her.
“You gnarly bastard!  How will I ever gain the platypus following that I had”
As her band starts to ascend into the heavens, she says to me
“Believe!!”
After the devastating loss of my platypuses, I tried to practice my saxophone but I only how my platypuses loved when I played Sonny Rollins solos to them.  I kept flashing back to the lead guitarist smashing my babies with his appropriately shaped axe guitar…(get it, Slash?? Killing platypuses with an axe shaped guitar, this is primo stuff guys).  I had to retaliate!  I immediately put together a creepy heavy metal group, fitting myself with the perfect wig for the occasion.  As my lead guitarist, I afforded Prince the opportunity to join my ranks, with the promise of being Knighted by my platypus.  Needless to say his agent said that Prince was not interested in the playing, but he had always wanted to be Knighted by a platypus.  He was in.  We chose a song with the most CPE (creepy potential energy) and rehearsed it day in and day out.  (The song was bohemian rhapsody).  With AFKAP (the artist formally known as Prince) leading the charge, we descended from the skies and started shooting lightening into her vineyards.  She tried to retaliate but our ban had successfully destroyed the vineyard.  AFKAP descended down to her, tossing her a single seed.
“I expect you to have grapes for me when I come again.”  AFKAP dissipated into the night, sends us all to our various places of residence. In the past few days I have tried to reach out to AFKAP, but he has not been reached since.
Obviously this is not how it happened but this is a lot better than the actual happenings of the day.  I had decided after the ordeal to retreat to my bed, leaving practicing to tomorrow, but my roommate Jacob inspired (forced me) to go out with him to a jam session.  Arriving at the Jam session knowing that I should probably play more than just ballads all night I put together a list of songs I had been working on.  None of them went well. It was kind of like when you challenge  your teacher to a cutting session, except the other saxophone player was my age (because I ain’t shit).  However, I took a great solo on Autumn leaves (that’s probably a lie I probably sounded like dog food tastes…delicious!!).  I decided that in order to get over my funk, I had to flirt with my waiter.  Which went like this:
“Hi, my I take your order?”
“YOU HAVE BEAUTIFUL SKIN, WHAT’S YOUR NAME??”
“Ummm, Ativa”
“YOUR NAME IS BEAUTIFUL!  LOVE ME!!!”
(Side note if you are flirting with a waiter, you have to buy something and leave a tip.  I was not prepared to do either of those things.)
When I got to the room, I almost got down into my feelings but instead I started calling people down a list of like three people (including my mother).  And I spent a lot of time laughing and saying this isn’t that bad.  Enter day two.
I wake up feeling like I have little orphans in my head looking for a family.  (Get out of my head Annie!!). So I think to myself let me send her a little message.
“I woke up with a headache…because of how much you have been running through my mind…(imagine me bobbing my head and pointing sporadically)”. And after that I made up my mind to only practice, and I went strong for a good 4 hours, then I says to myself I says, Shaquim, deserve a break.  I got on Facebook and started critiquing myself in videos, because that’s how I take breaks, I put myself down.  After that was done, I checked Instagram and saw a hilarious picture.  

  

I immediately sent it to my nongirlfriend and then continued to practiced.  Then she called me and this is how that went:
“Omg, I didn’t know you were going to call, do you want some coffee, I can make you some coffee!  I never made coffee but I can get ASKAP to send me there to make you coffee.”
We got off the phone soon after because I successfully made a fool out of myself.
Lastly on the final day that I have experienced, I woke up and listened to Hunnid Stax by Ab Soul.  I decided today, that I will cook myself a nice meal, something healthy and filling, delicious and nutritious.  I made hamburgers.  As I was making them I had an elaborate daydream about cooking out with her family with the way that I cook with her dad saying things like:
“These hamburgers are burned, what did you do?  Have you cooked before?  Do you have a working nose?  These smell burned, what do you mean that’s how you like it?  You like your food burned?  It tastes like Coal, you have found a way to increase one of our most precious nonrenewable resources, congratulations!  You should be a scientist, that is how bad this meal was, your meal tasted like a science experiment from 2nd grade.”
My mind is subconsciously telling me to work on cooking things medium well, and maybe one day I’ll make to rare, for the people who like knowing their cows name before the dig into.
In all actuality this is been a weird experience but I’m just really going to focus on becoming more solid as a musician to the point where my bad days only sound bad to me.  So in a way it is good because I can refocus on myself.  Thank you all for reading and feel free to leave comments on what you thought.
(Side note, my roommate saw me typing this and asked me, “omg what are texting her, that’s too long man!”  Thanks for having faith in me Jake!)
(Double side note, I thought about not texting her, and my first thought was, should I let her know that I am not texting her, what if she’s worried?  If I tell her does that defeat the purpose of not texting?  So many questions, so little answers!!)
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