5 reasons I hate the bus

Some of the funniest things I’ve encountered in my life have been on buses.  Buses are filled to the emergency exit with ackward potential energy (Ape for short…filled to the emergency exit with ape…sss).  So I will use the power I hold as a writer to share 5 of these ape moments.

1.  Sleeping of the bus can potentially ruin everything you have worked for in life.  Especially if you snore.  I can only sleep for about 5 minutes at a time because I suffer from Snape.  Snoring awkward potential energy (Who knew acronyms could be so fun!!)  My friends occasionally tell me stories of me snoring (snories).  While I was preparing to play for graduation at my old school, me and my friend Malcolm shared a room.  Before I passed out, we talked about life, the future and things of that nature.  When I woke up, I was by myself and the room was bare! (Not because I was robbed but because my roommate had already moved out.)  I called Malcolm to make sure he was good and his first words were, “You snore soooo loud.  I thought about just walking over and suffocating you; instead I left.”  If my Snape could cause a close friend to teeter on the edge of homicide, imagine what could happen when a complete stranger stumbles into the slate of sadistic sonic sounds spewing from my vocal folds.  (I may or may or be in admiration of the alluring attributes of alliteration.)  So every time I sleep on the bus my brain sends little though dwarves (dwarves are the little people with battle axes) to remind me that my slumber could lead me to an early demise.  I am forever in dept to these dwarves…Thank you.

2.  Sleeping on others.  This is potentially the most awkward moment even if you have the awareness to thwart you laziness (in the face.)  In middle school, the bates middle school bantams traveled to Carowinds to celebrate not failing the fitness test (I failed but was still allowed to go.)  As we rode, I fell into a light slumber.  Light because every time I would lean too close to one side I popped up, only semi conscious.  When I did gain full consciousness there were a group of people looking at me laughing.  (They were laughing because it was pre-Snape).  This event caused me to fear sleeping on buses.  If this was high school I would have been the star of a popular youtube video. (Darn you technology!!)

3.  Sleeping on strangers.  There is a huuuuugggggeee difference between sleeping on a friend and sleeping in tandem with a grown men that you haven’t met before.  This is actually the inspiration for this blog post.  Sitting directly in front of me are two black men who have never met.  The one next to the window was getting comfortable thinking he had a seat to himself.  All o a sudden a guy walks up after searching for a seat to no avail, asking “Is this seat available?”  Window seat guy says “….Yeah: and proceeds to move his carry-on closer to the window.  Feeling generous, he offers some of his Twizzlers to the stranger who of course politely refuses.  About 10 minutes of silence go by before they start to doze off.  Initially they lean back, but gravity takes over and says, “You won’t sleep normally today!” and they start to lean awkwardly into each other.  This goes on for about two hours before gravity leads window seat guy to the window.  Here is that whole story from window guys point of view.

Seat by myself, seat by myself, all these passengers?  It can’t be passengers, too many syllables.  I would use nigga but that’s so cliche.  Why does this have to be so difficult!  What?  You want to sit here?  You didn’t hear the song.  Seat by myself?  There aren’t any other seats available?  Man whatever!  I guess you want some o these Twizzlers too!  Here!! Dang!!!! Oh, you too good for my snacks?  Don’t ask for nothing else!  Taking myself to sleep.  It’s like you can’t have no good thing.  Swear!! Tell you what.  *Falls alseep for a short time*  Is this nigga leaning on me?? THAT’S GAY!!! Wake up!!!

I’m going to stop there

4.  3 to a seat.  I lived in a relatively small town in a small neighborhood.  When I rode my normal bus it was beautiful (for a bus shuttling us to the hood.)  I had a seat to myself, I could sit in proximity to my friends, it was all I could ask for.  But when the bus driver was sick, terror enclosed our little bodies, as we walked down the crowded aisle, the seats filled with unfamiliar faces. All of a sudden the driver shouts “three to a seat.”  My heart falls, gripping the ground, yelling “My Baby!!”  The unfamiliar faces turn into unsympathetic faces.  “No room here.”  “No.”  “I wish you would.”  Finally someone let’s me slide a quarter of a cheek into the seat.  Can this really be life?  I ca’t deal.  No man should have to live like this!!

5.  Rain.  Everytime it would rain in school or it had recently rained, riots ensued.  We were going to get wet.  There was no way around it.  Since the buses were so poorly maintained, water was your seat mate.  The window seat had no glory.  The army of water droplets marched through the leaks, soiling your shoulder.  The emergency exit assaulted whoever sat too close, establishing it as a supreme force.  Kids tried to avoid the onslaught of liquid and all attempts ended futilely.  Soggy and hopeless.

These events are all very funny in hindsight but are extremely traumatic and stressful in the moment.  The moral of this story is to avoid buses (and cliches) like the plague.  Because your phone will die, you will trade a perfectly good seat for a window seat, by yourself until you either have to force an old man to keep moving or indulge in your Twizzlers.  You will not know how you are getting home.  Do not risk it.  Stay at home, love your family and stay safe.

P.S. I thought about a lot of people that I miss during this.  Like! Jacqueline Pleasant, Betty Pride, Malcolm Brown, John Babbitt, Nidja Muldrow, and several others I hope ya’ll are doing well and I hope you read and enjoy this.  (And share it with everyone!!!!)

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